This is the eleventh of a 15 part series of Month of Mindfulness posts

As we grow in our consciousness, there will be more compassion and more love, and then the barriers between people, between religions, between nations will begin to fall. Yes, we have to beat down the separateness.

Ram Dass

Whatever the current state of your relationship with your significant other, mindfulness can improve it.

Your partner may be open and receptive to trying mindfulness with you. If so, that’s great and you can benefit together. However, if your partner has no interest at all, you can still improve your relationship by working on yourself.

Regular Mindfulness Practice

One of the benefits of a regular mindfulness practice is that we learn to live in the moment, and learn to be in touch with our thoughts, feelings and emotions. We can learn to recognise feelings, and respond rather than react. This can have a very beneficial effect on our relationships, whether with partner, children, parents, colleagues or friends.

Many of us react in our intimate relationships, especially with a partner. We get mad, shout, scream, throw things or become silent – all egoic reactions. With regular practice, we can recognise these reactions before we have given voice to them. It is then possible to respond in a mindful way.

For instance, if we feel slighted, or taken for granted, instead of reacting and escalating the situation, we can respond and diffuse it. Remembering, as ever, to come back to the breath.

If necessary, tell your partner you need a few minutes break – go to the bathroom if necessary and do a three minute breathing space meditation. Or go out for a brisk walk and get rid of some of the negative energy.

Being Non-judgmental

A big part of Mindfulness is responding in a non-judgmental way – everybody else has their own stuff going on. Try to understand why the other person is responding (or reacting) as they are. Is there room for you to change your stance?  Can you be assertive, hold your own position but be accepting of theirs?

When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.

– Donald Miller

One of the main causes of trouble in a relationship is wanting a partner to be different to how they are. Wanting things done how we think they should be done, rather than letting them be who they are. If you can observe this in yourself with non-judgmental awareness, that is the beginning of being able to let go of it.

If you can work through these thoughts and feelings with your partner, that’s great. If not, continue to do the work alone. Chances are they will notice a real change in you, and you can then talk to them about how the changes have come about.

This isn’t about finding fault with either you or your partner. It’s just observing exactly what is.

Journaling

Journaling can help with this. You can write down your feelings and emotions around situations with your other half. Think about how you reacted and how you felt. Then think about what you could have done differently, and how that would have felt. Notice how your reactions and responses change over time.

Self-Awareness

A healthy relationship is when two people equally take turns being the one who steps up when the other is going through a turbulent moment, each is capable of listening and holding space, each is self-aware enough to check in with themselves and not project onto each other.

– Yung Pueblo

I love the above quote from Yung Pueblo. When we lack self-awareness, we don’t even realise we are projecting. It is so easy to hear something completely different to what was meant. As mindfulness practice becomes regular, self-awareness grows. As self-awareness grows, understanding of why another acts as they do also grows. And it is possible to have great compassion, rather than anger or sadness or annoyance.

Give Space

Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue, a wonderful living side by side can grow, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky.

– Rainer Maria Rilke

Ah, Rilke. he knows that there are always distances in relationships. These distances are good and healthy for any relationship. Give your partner freedom, and the relationship will be all the better for it.

If you find it difficult to give this space, meditate on it, journal around it and again observe non-judgmentally. Seeing is a good way to overcoming.

Mindfulness is an ongoing practice that can strengthen your intimate relationships, as you develop your self-awareness, self-love and self-expression. It’s worth working for.

Gill Washington does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. See additional information