Praise and Blame – That’s Outrageous
Are you affected by praise and blame? I opened an email from a mentor, and he was commenting on something I had posted online. ‘That is one of your smart ass, witty ignorant remarks, that nobody but you finds funny’.
Ouch! I felt my cheeks flush red, and tears welled up in my eyes. Not the response I was expecting to a light hearted comment.
I was reminded of this conversation recently when I had a fabulous 1:1 session with the wonderful Cate Butler Ross. We were talking about writing styles, and how I could make mine more informal, as if I was chatting to someone rather than writing an academic essay.
Mentioning that in face to face conversations I have quite a chatty style, along with a scouse sense of humour, I realised that for many years this unwelcome feedback had been bothering me, even though I can now laugh about it. Should I make that joke? Maybe I should take it out because nobody but me will find it funny. Haha.
Gain Clarity
This helped me to gain clarity on how we are all influenced by what others say to us and about us, even if only subconsciously. And that can seriously affect the content we share with others. I speak often about being a recovered perfectionist, but realised there is still an element of wanting to write something that nobody can criticise. Which is impossible to do of course.
As someone who previously had a hugely successful website with a busy group attached to it, I used to get a lot of trolls spewing hatred at me. ‘I hope you boil in hell, you deserve it’ said one. I used to joke that I could write two books – one full of praise and one full of blame. And a lot of people would be in both books.
At first, I used to feel really flattered by the people who told me how wonderful my work was, what a fantastic job I was doing, and so on. And I would then be hurt, upset and even angry at a lot of the vitriol that came my way.
Waste of Energy
What a waste of energy that was. And it was like being on an emotional rollercoaster. Up one minute, down the next, all related to words from other people that had nothing to do with me and everything to do with them .
I spent a lot of time working on letting go of reacting to either praise or blame. Meditation helped, and just observing my thoughts and feelings. Journaling also helped me to get in touch with what was going on subconsciously, and why I was so influenced by what other people thought. It’s not that nothing ever bothers me now, but mostly I don’t react to praise or blame with anything more than an acknowledgent. If I find myself struggling with something, I meditate and journal and work at not taking it personally.
If you would like to get started with journaling, download this guide.
This brings me on to something I have seen a lot of online recently, especially in the coaching space. People going on long rants about someone who has had something negative to say about them or their work. Or something someone has done that they don’t like or find unprofessional. Ironic eh?
Honestly, from experience, one of the best things you can do is to learn not to be upset by it. And the less you are swayed by praise, the less you will be bothered by blame.
Testimonials
There is a need for testimonials, of course, but try to just see these as a necessary part of your work and view them dispassionately. Denise Duffield Thomas has spoken about having her team collect testimonials, and not having any gushing praise forwarded on to her. This is something you could do if you are adversely affected by criticism, fiar or otherwise, and buoyed up by praise. Remember, what goes up must come down.
Never complain; never explain
Benjamin Disraeli coined the phrase ‘never complain; never explain’, and it has been much used since, including by the royal family. I think a lot of people online could do well to adopt it as a mantra. Sometimes when I see long posts both complaining and explaining, I wonder how emotionally exhausted the poster must feel after writing it.
Your audience is unlikely to need the situation explaining, especially if they have watched events unfold. They can see what has gone on and can make their own minds up about the situation. And complaining, whether it be about a client, another coach or just a troll can make you look unprofessional.
If you need to cry, beat your chest, moan and groan and speak about what has happened, do it in private. Or better still, write it all down and then burn it or shred it and let it go.
You will feel a lot better if you do this, I promise.
What’s the most outrageous thing anyone has ever said to you?
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