This is the 14th in a 15 part series of Month of Mindfulness posts

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.” 

— Brene Brown

People Take Advantage

We need to set boundaries in all of our relationships. Significant other, children, friends, colleagues, bosses. If we don’t, people will take advantage – it’s human nature.

Women in particular can have a hard time setting boundaries, and find it difficult to say no. This is something I find difficult too, but know it is something I have to do for my own peace of mind. And so I work at it.

How do people push our boundaries? They may disrespect our time, or our feelings. Children may expect us to ferry them here, there and everywhere. Colleagues may expect us to do way more than our fair share of work. Bosses may expect us to stay late at the drop of a hat, even though we have prior arrangements. Clients may be late and still expect a full session, or cancel at the last minute and expect not to pay.

It is perfectly okay to say no to any of these requests. And it’s also perfectly okay to state what your boundaries are, and stick to them.

Learn To Say No

“No is a complete sentence.”

– Anne Lamott

It’s important to learn how to say no confidently and assertively. If people have been used to you doing whatever they want, whenever they want, they may not like it when you change. It’s important to remain calm and aware while sticking to your guns.

Calmly explain to someone that you are not able to do what they want. You can tell them why, but you don’t owe them an explanation. You also don’t need to apologise – you haven’t done anything wrong.

Fear Of Conflict

“The only people who get upset about you setting boundaries are the ones who were benefiting from you having none.” 

– unknown

Fear of conflict is often why people give in and do whatever is asked of them, even if it is at great cost to themselves. This fear causes them to shy away from setting mindful boundaries. What’s being asked of you may take your time, your energy and your money. If you have been meditating and doing other mindful practices, you will be more self-aware, more assertive, more responsive and a lot less reactive.

If someone attempts to draw you into an argument, do some deep breathing. Check out the Mindfulness And Emotions post in this series for ideas on how to keep your emotions in check. Try to remain compassionate and non-judgmental of the other person, at the same time as retaining your own sense of self-respect. Remaining mindful throughout the conversation will help.

Excuse yourself and nip to the bathroom and do some breathing exercises if you need to.

Respect Yourself

“When you say ‘yes’ to others, make sure you’re not saying ‘no’ to yourself.”

—Paulo Coelho

Of course we are always going to want to help others. Setting mindful boundaries isn’t about always saying no. It’s about learning to say no when what is asked for is not something you want to do, or can do without saying no to something you really want to do for yourself.

Be bold, be assertive, set those boundaries and stick to them.

Gill Washington does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. See additional information